Gout #2, Embrace the Pain and Pain will Go

Here I was at the key point in my journey of curing my gout, and my being knew it. 9 months ago I had made a New Year’s resolution to not take any pain killers to dull the intense burning pain of my occasional gout attacks. And after learning so much about my body and my gout I had arrived: here it was, my test, my Jom Gabbar
(“Dune” reference, seems to describe my situation at that time very well). My body had taken control and I was at the peak of a deep detox. The pain had been unrelenting for days, but two Arcoxia pills lay on the table besides my bed, within easy reach. All I had to do was take one and my pain would be relieved. Arcoxia was one of the few things that would ease the suffering and give comfort. But it was not the solution, and would only prolong the gout: this I had sensed and had led me to this resolute position of “NO MORE PAIN KILLERS”. It was my body, I was my doctor now. But the torment! But this was my fault, my poor decisions had led me here – giving in to “ecstasy” of jumping off the cliff of rationality in the past. Decisions to drink alcohol and binge on carbohydrates, all done as a rebellious act of being without science, of doing what I (or my controller) wilt. So whether I was too sore to move to get to the pills, or finally, too sensible, I closed my eyes and resolved to face my pain. Nobody else could, what use were doctors.

The altered state of intense pain is something which is meant to be avoided at all costs, but needs to be brought out from its hiding place in our society. Like the psychedelic experience and its ego death, we are too fragile and gutless to experience our natures, and pain must be suppressed at all costs. Was I insane or more sane than I had ever been? I was feverish and visions and delusions populated my mind. Screaming schoolchildren and Judges filled my head with their nonsense, alternating between crying and bullying. “So young Atreides, are you a human being or an animal?” (Another Dune reference).

But I had to do something. I had a knowing that my body had to do this, and it knew what to do, but this was life and death. Not now, but the quality of life and the quality of death. I had taken the pain of the previous days arguing against my desires to end the suffering with all my hard won and precious logic. I had experienced gout pain and a complete recovery has always occurred. Pain is only created inside the brain and I knew that recovery from gout pain always occurred at some point, but how much did I deserve? Surely this was enough. I complained to the darkness, abused and cursed every God I could think of and every last bit of the world that was in my memory. I was getting frustrated. Wait, frustration is a choice. Still, look at those nice greenish bluish pills at my behest. Every excuse known to man flooded through my mind. Poor little me, other people don’t suffer like this, I can always go back to no pain killers later. I had been tricked like this too many times by the demons of alcohol. Having fallen for their lies so many times, I was well aware that the only solution was to wait. But the pain! I would be sleeping soon with the Arcoxia in my body. I was starting to curse again at the world, and I had to find a way to stop the cycle of resentment, alternating between extremes of a bully and a victim, all in my own mind of course. My eyes were closed and I was worn out from not sleeping. Nothing to do but burn. Cut the dam leg off! But that was an empty threat, as I hurt too much to move. So I started concentrating on my third eye as I had trained myself to do over the past 5 years (although much of the past days had been one long meditation, a meditation on pain and how I got to be in my current position). Then I got a message out of the mysterious world of the mind: do the ujiya breath from yoga.

So I started ujiya breath from yoga, (nose breathing with the focal point of the breath in the throat, explained below). The breathing made me sweat as if I was doing a full yoga session and my mind began to calm. I focused on my right foot, visualizing each breath to and from the foot, and the pain was buzzing, maybe not as hurtful as before, but how I wished it would stop.

Then suddenly, I was waking up! 8 hours had passed! I had finally slept after days without, and the pain was still there but it seemed to have made an agreement with me. It didn’t hurt quite so much. I had sweated a lot in my sleep but my mind was calm. I sensed that this key battle had been won and finally the war might indeed be winnable. That feeling at that moment is not something I would ever trade away.

The honest assessment of how I came to my pain and suffering, that it was alcohol and carbs, would also cure what some people would call my alcoholism. It was strange but I could never enjoy the feeling of alcohol again in the same way, it felt unclean and a self-sacrifice to demons. I had lost my desire to get drunk from doing meditation but now I gained control over that substance, using the pain, but not in a Clockwork Orange type of way, but from the experience itself. I had only drunk a few times in the past 9 months anyhow, but this was true freedom.

I did use a pain killer twice during 2011, as both times I had to walk, and was incapable – clearly, the body said stay put, but I needed the drugs to disobey. Both uses of Arcoxia lead to much more pain afterwards. Now I accept any pain from gout or otherwise and after a period of time the body itself provides the comfort. However, if I use pain killers, the body increases the pain. It appears that the pain message is a vital part of the healing process, and if the message doesn’t get through because it is being suppressed, the body responses by increasing the pain.

New Year’s Eve 2011 was my last day of gout, and 2012 was completely gout free fulfilling my resolution (how does the mind work so precisely, as it was my desire to be gout free in 2012?) I would not remember these experiences so closely in the future and still ate toxins, but perhaps that was only for future research (what a great excuse!)

The ujiya breath from yoga proved to be a powerful pain killer, something which I have never read about to this day, but nevertheless it has worked well for me. This breath is similar to Darth Vader’s breath in the Star Wars movies. It is performed by breathing through the nose (only demons like actors, Vader, and people overwhelmed by emotions breath through their mouths). I then constrict the throat so that the breath sounds within the throat. You can learn by first doing the breath with open mouth and making the Darth Vader sound and by then closing the mouth. I tried for a while and nothing seemed to be working, but I learned how while hiking in the cool air of Bryce Canyon National Park, where I could feel the cold air entering my throat on the inhalation and the warm air leaving my throat on the exhalation.

I have discovered other ways for pain reduction that are natural. Vitamin C by itself will alleviate the hurt (but not the pain, which protects the body against harm). Lemons and berries would give me a “break” from the pain – the pain doesn’t go away but becomes more comfortable.

The last and most important point is that in these pain states I also received information. Visions, dreams and other messages from my subconscious or further afield. The foods that I should eat and should not were shown in strange and symbolic ways, which I will share in future blogs. Pukerimu.